TGIF

Have you ever been hurt?  Sure you have.  So have I.  I came across this helpful article on Tiny Buddha and it reinforces everything I have discovered in recovering from my latest hurt.

I had a revelation a bit ago, I cause my own suffering.  Duh.  Someone else hurt me, deeply, but I continue the torture: me, myself and I.  And, if I am the cause of my own suffering, then I can be the cause of my own happiness and well-being.

This is not the first time I've considered this, but this time the realization was deep, felt throughout my being.  We make choices every day to either continue our suffering, or to let go of it.  Every day.  Every moment.  We can step outside the vortex of our pain and experience things differently.  That's really hard to do when pain is sweeping  you away.  It's not something you can just say to someone, "Hey step outside of it."  It must be experienced and realized on a deep personal level.

And here's where mediation practice comes in for me.  When the skies are relatively calm, I can do the work to discover my inner landscape, to look at the stories I tell myself, to practice loving-kindness towards myself.  Because pain is always going to happen.  The world has a whole host of painful experiences to throw my way.  I'm going to have plenty of opportunities to put my practice into action, to take what I discover on the cushion, off the cushion into my daily experience.

I give great thanks and gratitude to my teachers at Middle Way Health, for helping me back onto the path. Sometimes a body just needs a teacher.  I've often heard it said that when one does, the teacher will appear.  It's true!

We All Need a Pep Talk

You've gotta watch this awesome video!

I am Human

“I am larger and better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness.”
- Walt Whitman

In discussion with others, I am (re)discovering that habitual negative mind states only seem like reality, when, in fact, we've created them.  Conversely, we are able to cultivate positive mind states -- and which one feels better to you?  Which one leads to acts of good self-care and compassion to self and others?

I am amazed at how much time I have spent over my life immersed in negativity (shitty thinking).  It is second nature.  It was the family paradigm. It's also just human nature.  A woman I was talking to said of herself, "I am such a fuck-up."  I responded, "You are human. And sometimes we humans do things we're not proud of."  She (and I) would benefit from changing that story from "fuck-up" to "human."  Easier said than done, we've had years of practice thinking the former.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha.

There is a meditation on loving kindness that helps me, you can see it here.  I don't meditate with any kind of regularity at all, but a friend brought my attention to this particular meditation that I hadn't thought about for years.  It doesn't require hours of sitting, and can be done any time to open the heart and counteract negativity.  I've practiced it while in traffic jams (eyes wide open of course!).

Just for today, notice when your mind goes negative.  Can you re-frame it?  You can if you catch it.  If it feels artifical to counter it with loving kindness and compassion, don't worry.  Each time you are able to do it, you are creating new neural pathways and helping the old patterns of thought become less powerful (true - it's science!)  

Today I will be mindful of the "I'm a fuck-up" moments and turn them into "I'm human" moments.  That's my intention for the day.

Tephlon Mind

This is a new term I learned today: Tephlon Mind.  From Steve Mays' Awakening the Buddha Within.

“The awakened mind is free flowing, natural and well rounded. It’s like Teflon — nothing sticks. On the other hand, the unawakened, ordinary mind is rigid, limited, and sticky like flypaper; the ordinary mind has corners and sharp jagged edges on which ideas get caught, hanging us up. Dualistic thinking is like Velcro; it takes two to tangle. Unitary vision is more like a crystal through which all forms of light can pass unimpeded.”

My friend Emily, by memory

The practice of tephlon mind can help when negative thoughts are crowding your mind and you begin to go with them.  If you can catch yourself you can stop.  Breathe.  Remember tephlon mind.  Go to your handy dandy "feel good" list and redirect your energy.  My latest feel good list includes drawing, swimming, listening to music, connecting with friends.

I just joined the YMCA so I can lap swim to rehab my new knee.  Side benefits: endorphin rush and getting out of the house for awhile.

What's your "feel good" list consist of?  Do you have one? Please share!

Definition of Love

Bridal Shower by Taradharma

I've been reading a lot of what we call 'self-help' books over the past few months.  Both as a continuing journey of healing from my divorce, and as a way to better know my truth as I re-emerge in the world and engage with others.  What has really come up for me (probably more so because I am dating someone) are questions around love, what makes for a good long-term relationship, how do I know I'm ready for relationship and how do I know if this person is right for me?

The books I've read include

If the Buddha Married
If the Buddha Dated  
The Five Love Languages 
Intellectual Foreplay
The Gifts of Imperfection
Daring Greatly 

Every one of these books have been eye-opening.  I journal about what I read in order to explore the ideas for myself and what they mean for me.   All the work first and foremost is about self-love, for without it we are unable to love another.  Self love and acceptance is something I have to work at, and I suspect most people are in this boat with me.  Dr. Brene Brown's books have been especially helpful in this regard, as she begins her research studying shame.  I've featured her TED lectures on my site before.  I think she is brilliant at deconstructing complex thought and feeling processes that are hoisting us up on our own petards on a daily basis.  In her Daring Greatly book, well into the fourth chapter she offers up her definition of love based on her 12 years of research and personal experience:

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them, we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.  Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare."       ~Dr. Brene Brown

She's mindful that her definition is merely a starting point for conversations.  She knows this definition is not the be and end all.  She's putting it out there to spark our own imaginations and feelings around what love is.

Very scary. Very vulnerable.  It's the human condition.

Self Compassion

I'm grateful that I can usually choose a healthy way to take care of myself when things are getting bad.  I spent yesterday and last night with good friends who know me well and can provide loving, compassionate assessments if I ask for them.  And I did.  It helped tremendously.

I drank too much gin, I cried, I napped, I cleaned myself up for dinner and had a lovely time with them eating great food (home-made yellow squash soup started the evening's fare).  At 1:30 in the morning I woke unexpectedly and went out to the deck to gaze at the night sky.  It was beautiful.  The partial moon glowed as brightly as it would when full.

I breathed deeply and felt a greater lightness and peace enter my heart.  I was returning to center.  I came to some profound understandings about myself.  Grateful that I could have clarity enough to do that.

I do have resilience, that's for sure.  Sometimes I doubt that, but life keeps showing me that I do.

Self-Compassion

A moment of self-compassion can change  your entire day

A string of such moments can change the course of your life.

-Christoper K. Germer

Heavy

I've gone off my Facebook account for awhile, and who knows where I'm going with this blog?  I am grappling with depression and just want to shut down completely.  The activity of FB and the internet are too much for me now.  I have a referral to a therapist with a Buddhist bent, and I look forward to starting that work with him.  I have knee replacement surgery coming up on the 25th of the month.  My love and I have hit the first major brick wall in our relationship.  Yes, it's all piling up.  And then there's politics and this damned election season.  And an often intolerable home situation with my dad, which has been exacerbated by the political season.  Too, too much.  My ability to carry the load with grace is not currently available to me.  Sigh.

"Heavy," by Mary Oliver

That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying

I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had his hand in this,

as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poet said,

was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel,
(brave even among lions),
"It's not the weight you carry

but how you carry it -
books, bricks, grief -
it's all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot, and would not,
put it down."
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?

Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?

How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe

also troubled -
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?

The Look

You know the one I'm talking about: you are a big dumb idiot look.

Dad dishes that look out a lot -- my niece doesn't hang out here much because of 'the look.'  I grew up with 'the look.' 

This is a close approximation of the facial expression.

I suppose I do this too, although I'd like to think not.

When I was a kid, the look could reduce me to tears, because I so wanted the approval of my dad.  His disapproving face took the rug right out from under me.

I don't think my nearest and dearest are big dumb idiots; I like to think I have more compassion than to think or feel that even if they say or do something fairly idiotic.  The look is judgemental, the look is harsh.  That's not me (so I like to think).

Words are important.  So are faces.  We express a lot with them.  Maybe we should videotape ourselves in conversation to see what kind of faces we show to the world.

The Power of Vulnerability

I found a blog late last night as I was 'google-ing' "love poems of Pablo Neruda."  Yes, it was another insomniac night.  Anyway, my point here is not to bemoan my lack of sleep, but instead to celebrate quite a find (for me) in this TED talk.  I don't know about you, but I've heard some brilliant ideas expressed at these talks, and I love to listen when I am in the mood.  This particular talk feels heaven sent (if I can guess there is a heaven-like place or state of mind or....).  Why?  Because just this very topic, these ideas, have been in my face as I enter a new love relationship.  When you have time, and are in the mood, take a listen to this delightful, funny, intelligent researcher (you'll get the joke if you listen).  And I would love to know how you respond to her story.  It seems to me to be the most important story we could hear today. 



Have a fabulous weekend -- you are worthy of it!

Watching the Sky

Watching the sky in Grass Valley

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game 

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball 

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go 

Ah, people asking questions lost in confusion
Well I tell them there's no problem, only solutions
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry
I'm just sitting here doing time 

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go 


--John Lennon

Tomatoey

photo from the link above

Make mine a tomato on dill tomato bread

with oodles of tomato aioli

finished with a torrent of arugula --

and don't forget the salt and pepper.

I know. More tomato poetry. What's a girl to do? One day it's disappointment, the next it's an orgiastic vegetable experience. My spirit rises and falls on the most disparate details of life.

Take it from a Catholic

I'm looking for laughs. Spent the night with my sick wife in the ER. She's home and better, but it was a scare. Is it normal to want to watch comedy for hours on end after a tense event?

Jim always makes me laugh. Enjoy.

Jim Gaffigan - Jesus - Beyond the Pale @ Yahoo! Video

What Is Life?

Joe has a great (if long) essay on the state of our mental health, the health care industry, and perspective. As I discuss with friends, we are such an isolated group of people, especially middle and upper class citizens of these United States. It doesn't help us in any sense: mentally, spiritually, economically, physically.

The hippies in the 1960s revived the lost notion of communal living, and though that experiment largely died out, we are seeing a resurgence of those ideals now. Now that we need each other again. Families moving in together to save on housing costs, adult children taking in their elderly parents who need help to get by every day, people who just want a more connected way of living which brings back some fun and joy.

I see it as a positive trend, and I'll be interested to see how our mental health fairs nationally as a result. If we can parse that out from the effects of joblessness. Could our collective mental health actually improve despite tough economic times? Could we possibly rediscover that we need one another and that we are happiest in our inter-dependance?

Our family is gathering today for a bbq, despite the rain. We'll pull the Weber under the eaves of the house and grill our burgers. Grandma and Cousin Doug are bringing a green salad. We're providing potato salad (made by N. which is the best anywhere, ever), burgers, snacks, beverages. The oldest daughter is bringing her boyfriend/fiance, and the youngest daughter is with us the weekend. Brother Shannon is bringing his lovely finance.

Good times, stories in the making. Bread to break. Es la vida!

Blog

Gone Fishin'

For awhile, anyway. Maybe I'll catch me a tiny rainbow trout. Maybe a rock fish. Maybe a mermaid. Perhaps a miracle.

Who knows? Peace.

Rare Winter Tomato in Arkansas!

Or so I thought. Funny what the mind does on overload.

Thank you all for your sweet comments. I went into a cleaning frenzy last night just to shake off all the nervous energy. The missus hid in her room (smart move). My mind was flying all over the place - just like L.'s mind is doing. I tried and tried to focus my thoughts, or my breathing, or something, just to bring me some amount of stillness. Wasn't happening. I resorted to mass-produced chemical band aid assistance. Sleep. At last.

Keep on truckin'.

Stormy Weather

So far, dear friends, January 2008 has been wild.  Storms have knocked out electricity to about 350,000 locally.  Lots of trees down, fences blown away, cars smashed.  I've been in Carmel Woods for 4 days with no power.  After 4 days of it, the 'kids' and I decided to move L. to hospice care so she could stay warm and well cared for.  It was an easy decision -- Friday night was her last lucid time.  We had a great dinner with my parents, and she drank and ate and laughed and had a jolly time.  Since then, she's gone pretty loopy mentally.  It happened so suddenly...a bit frightening actually.  

I'll probably not be posting for awhile...too much going on and my mind and heart are trying to process so much information.  I am working on staying in the moment, and not projecting too far out there in any direction.  Going with the flow is the order of the day.  Not a bad way to approach this crazy life.

Be well.

To Therapy, Or Not To Therapy

There's a 59% Chance That You Need Therapy

If you think you need therapy, you probably do. But there's a good chance you don't. Like everyone else, you have your fair share of problems. And unlike most people, you're fairly good at solving them yourself.

Do You Need Therapy?

Oh Please. I'm the poster child for therapy. I first sought out therapy in high school when my depression and my family were driving me nuts. Dad took the bull by the horns by saying, "There's no reason to take our problems outside the family. If we need to fix anything we can do it right here." Right. I saw my first Doctor of Psychology when I was 18 or 19 and living on my own. A kindly old man (in my young view) who I so wanted to please but didn't quite realize it at the time. Therapy is not very productive when you play games with the person who is there to help you. I worked on some stuff, but never really got to the heart of it. I heard this lil’ voice inside nagging me that I was holding back. That was my conscience. Not my illness. That was part of the well functioning part of me trying to get myself to participate more fully in my therapeutic journey.

In my early twenties I participated in a women's support group run by a therapist. This was the 1970s and 80s and looking back I can see the sessions were not very well run and the therapist had poor boundaries (as they say in therapy-speak). But at the time I felt I was growing and learning a lot about myself. I was. Post divorce with a 3 year old child, I participated in a group for newly divorced moms with kids. I think we all had a crush on our therapist. He was handsome, funny, gentle and smart. I had good boundaries, even then. That group process got me through one of the most difficult times in my life, and allowed me to be a much better parent.

I've seen psychiatrists, devotees of Jung, of Freud, Maslow and the transpersonal. I've always been curious about my mind, and my mind can often be a confusing pain in the ass. I was an early guinea pig for various antidepressant medications that messed me up even more than the mental illness. I gutted it out for years, figuring it was simply moral failure and I deserved all the unhappiness I got.

The best therapy I've ever had is with the therapist I'm seeing now. I saw her years ago when I was trying to extricate myself from a six-year relationship with a person who - yup - was manic-depressive bordline personality disorder. Oh, she trumped me but good. I reconnected with M. when I needed a psych evaluation prior to my lap band surgery last year. She wrote a beautiful letter, one that astounded me. She clearly defined some of my issues, and in the most extraordinarily compassionate and hopeful way. Wow. I continue to see her. M. and Prozac have quite changed my life for the better. I am, as I said, the poster child for therapy -- if it's good therapy, and that's the kicker. Good luck finding the right person, right philosophy, right medication for you.

Now, lest you think, “Wow, how brave of her to share this….” Let me say that I have no shame whatsoever about what is obviously a mental illness. I’ve got plenty of physical illnesses, why should my mind be left out in the cold? I am a lucky cuss, being born in this time, in my part of the world (California…Berkeley…Big Sur…Esalen Institute…Carmel…) where people could begin to come out of the shadows with their mental health issues. Being mentally healthy and well-adjusted is our birthright. I know it now. I didn’t know it for a long time. I’m ecstatic that I only have your everyday-depression- coupled-with-an anxiety-disorder. There are plenty of mental illnesses with more profound impacts, and which are more difficult to treat. As Ricky Bobby would say, "Thank you sweet baby Jesus in diapers for my relatively mild form of craziness."

So, tell me really, what you think of therapy. Are you of the Tom Cruise school of thought? Or have you had life-changing work with a therapist? Any horror stories? (I saw one guy who could not NOT smoke during a session -- he couldn't concentrate on what I was saying without smoking the whole time...that lasted one session.)