Definition of Love

Bridal Shower by Taradharma

I've been reading a lot of what we call 'self-help' books over the past few months.  Both as a continuing journey of healing from my divorce, and as a way to better know my truth as I re-emerge in the world and engage with others.  What has really come up for me (probably more so because I am dating someone) are questions around love, what makes for a good long-term relationship, how do I know I'm ready for relationship and how do I know if this person is right for me?

The books I've read include

If the Buddha Married
If the Buddha Dated  
The Five Love Languages 
Intellectual Foreplay
The Gifts of Imperfection
Daring Greatly 

Every one of these books have been eye-opening.  I journal about what I read in order to explore the ideas for myself and what they mean for me.   All the work first and foremost is about self-love, for without it we are unable to love another.  Self love and acceptance is something I have to work at, and I suspect most people are in this boat with me.  Dr. Brene Brown's books have been especially helpful in this regard, as she begins her research studying shame.  I've featured her TED lectures on my site before.  I think she is brilliant at deconstructing complex thought and feeling processes that are hoisting us up on our own petards on a daily basis.  In her Daring Greatly book, well into the fourth chapter she offers up her definition of love based on her 12 years of research and personal experience:

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them, we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.  Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare."       ~Dr. Brene Brown

She's mindful that her definition is merely a starting point for conversations.  She knows this definition is not the be and end all.  She's putting it out there to spark our own imaginations and feelings around what love is.

Very scary. Very vulnerable.  It's the human condition.