The Unthinkable

Driving home from a coffee date yesterday afternoon I turned on the local public radio station to hear the news of the Boston bombings.  There I was on cloud nine after a delightful 2 hour conversation with an interesting, intelligent woman when bam! The acts of stupid idiots hit me through the radio waves.  While we were talking about food, scuba-diving, pets and second-hand stores, folks in Boston were  reeling from another act of terror.  Ain't that just the way the world is? 

After watching the television coverage and contacting a friend in Boston to find out if he was okay (he is), I turned off the t.v.  Just like 9/11 or the Oklahoma bombing, the video was repetitive, the speculation nonsensical.  I'll wait and use the t.v. selectively for updates.

There is a certain morbid excitement exhibited by t.v. news coverage.  Like driving past a car wreck and not wanting to look, but you do.   We are an odd bunch, we humans. 

Love and War

Freedom To Marry

Good lawd, but this is good news.  Once again, the USA is behind the human rights curve on this issue.  Sigh.

However, a word of caution to ALL regarding marriage:  take it seriously.  Know what you're getting into.  Know what legal and financial obligations you are agreeing to.

Don't marry someone whose financial values do not align with yours.  If you're responsible, and they have a history of compulsive spending and they need bailing out by relatives:  don't do it.  Live in "sin."  Seriously.  When you are married, their debt becomes your debt.  It's called "community property."  Even the money you've put away for your retirement is community property, and they are entitled to half of it.  That's just the way it is, and it's what every engaged person should get real about.

Don't marry someone who you hope to change.  You will not, you cannot.  All the love in the world won't stop their drinking and drugging if that's what their addiction is.  Their addiction and their painful past is something you can never heal. 

Getting married creates legal bonds.  It is not only about how much you love someone, or what is in your heart.  And when marriages go south, there are inevitable legal and financial consequences, which most people don't realize and will moan and groan about how they are getting "screwed" by their ex.  Please.  That's a tired old game.

So, while I'm pleased that g/l/b/t rights are advancing around the world, I hope people considering marriage will bring some serious study to the issue before signing a contract.  You wouldn't buy a house or get a loan from a bank without reading the contract, would you? 

Grace

"she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow" -- Paul Simon, Graceland

The girlfriend and I have called it quits.  It happens. It hurts.  I'm feeling the wind blow.  I'm feeling the ground falling from under me.

"I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels"  -- Train

Onward and upward, by the Grace of Whatever.

Helpless

Such an out-of-body experience to see all the photos and videos coming from the east coast.  Above is the site of the construction at ground zero.  I've also seen reporters in lower Manhattan up to their butts in sea water.

The only good thing about this storm is that is has shut off the Presidential campaigns for a short while.  What a relief.  But I am concerned for the many friends I have in many north eastern states.  I'm having a little PTSD today....but I'll try not to fuel it, because, let's face it, I'm nice and dry and have electrical power.  That kinda trumps all.

A Little Weird

Ain't it the truth?

In couples, I've found that having similar interests is a great starting place for longevity.  That doesn't mean, however, that each person within the couple needs to enjoy all the same things, or even operate from the same perspective.  It's how two people communicate those differences, and more importantly, if they appreciate those differences.  One way is not superior to the other, it is simply a different way.

I've usually been the more easy-going one in my partnered/married life.  My partner has usually been more focused, driven, goal oriented outwardly, usually in their work life.  They've appreciated my laid-back-ness, until they don't.  Eventually I feel the burden of justification for my hang-loose behavior.

Maybe the answer is to find someone who is as flexible and pliant as I am.  But I'm working out a dynamic with an inflexible, linear father figure that has influenced my character, and that of my sisters, tremendously.  We seem to be compelled to  placate and mollify this character at our own peril.  It influences us to be unnaturally 'other-focused' because this person is constantly demanding our undivided attention.  It pulls me off-center because I am always worried that somehow I am not measuring up, that I am not enough just as I am.

Now, I do appreciate the linear thinker, the can-do person, who is driven to achieve career success.  What I'd like from them is to be that way with their outward looking selves, but to be easy and adjustable with me.  Is that an impossible dream?  Are our styles of being in the world just too different to be compatible?  If we can appreciate each others' styles, really respect them, then I think there is hope.

The pressure is all around us to produce and be productive in a way that generates wealth, promotes ego-driven purchasing, acquisition, and the appearance of doing something worthwhile.   As a culture, we don't promote or celebrate the more quiet lives of doing good works, self-sufficiency, doing well with less material goods, introspection and the life of the mind.  These beliefs have become so ingrained in us that we don't even realize we think that way.  I have been grappling with this since I retired 3 years ago -- in this culture I feel superfluous.  No longer needed, nor interesting.  Marginalized.  Made fun of.  And this, in turn, influences how I actually think and feel about myself. 

So, I see this state of 'not good enough' both in my personal relationships and society in general.  A double whammy.  Working this one, for sure.  Hope I find a suitable resolve because it's driving me bonkers.

As the great Doctor said, we're all a little weird. 

Buyer Beware

Don't you just love knowing you've been screwed by a business?  Being female, I've always understood that car mechanics and the like would try and give me the runaround.  That's why, in my youth, I learned basic car mechanics.  Nobody was gonna put one over on this babe, no siree.

Well, Toyota just did.  I took my 2006 Prius into the local dealer to have a low-beam headlamp replaced.  When the "Service Advisor" looked up the cost  he said, "Yeah, this headlamp is a little pricey."  "How pricey?" says I.  "Well, with labor it'll cost $217 to replace."  "WTF?!" I quipped in my head.  Outwardly I says, "Geez, I long for the good old days when a person could actually get into the workings of their car and do these things themselves."  He smiled sympathetically and asked if I would like to have my car washed after the service, at no charge.  So I waited two hours -- the waiting area was comfortable, I brought my current novel, and I sipped some fairly decent complementary coffee.

When I got home I got curious.  I wish I had been curious before.  Here's what I found.



What would you do at this juncture?  Have a friendly discussion with the Service Manager and ask why the labor cost was $179?  As for the bulb being pricey, I found it on Amazon for $54.00.  The dealership only charged $34.00.  How nice of them.

I feel like an idiot.

Reminder to self:  read the damned paperwork.  Do your homework.  Never take the car to the dealership again. 

Post script:  Lee, the Service Manager at Maita Toyota called me back.  I explained my confusion at the cost of the labor, and he said, "Yes, well, they have to drop the bumper in order to do the work."  When I told him that I had seen videos on You Tube that showed this was not the case in order to change a light bulb, he said, "Oh I know, I 've seen them too.  But it is the Toyota standard and so our techs have to do it that way"  I explained that the access point to the light bulb was through a panel behind the light, that you could easily see after lifting the hood of the car.  So I asked again, "So, the techs actually dropped the bumper to replace the bulb?'  "Yes." says Lee.  He is either telling the truth and Toyota makes them go through this completely unnecessary procedure, or he is lying.  In any case, I told him I would not be taking my car back to their service department but would instead find a technician who could do the job without dropping the bumper and charging top dollar for labor on a $35 bulb.  He said he understood, that in this economy everyone has to make tough decisions.  Then he said, "But remember, if they drop the bumper and bend it or scratch it, it voids the warranty, so you want to be careful."  Jeez.  Did he hear anything I said at all?

When All Else Fails

Make bread.  It's a soothing comfort to do something so prescribed and simple, that brings such joy.  Robin sent me a great recipe for no-knead bread and it is simply some of the most delicious bread my family has ever eaten.  This time I'm trying it with a third of the flour being whole wheat, and a tablespoon of flax seed meal.  When I roll it in a towel in 24 hours, I'll have that towel coated with poppy and sesame seeds.  Film at eleven.

I'm also making chicken stock from the carcass of our last dinner.  I'll use this as a base for a cream of broccoli soup, which I am craving.  Guess I need some vitamin A, B9, C and K.

In last couple of days I have listened to friends who are going through really tough, awful, crappy situations in their lives.  Everything seems to be going downhill fast.  Circumstances are out of control, and beyond our ability to do anything about it except react.   So I head to the kitchen and create goodness.  It's all I can do right now.  It will have to be enough.

Passages

taradharma 2011

Sitting out on the porch, staring up at the night sky, watching thin, high clouds passing -- there I was with my brain spinning hopelessly in a loop.  Racing, retracing, questioning my motives and my actions.  Wondering how many times do I have to go over this shit again?  (...and, by the way, damn you, Valentine's Day.)

It's nothing monumental, except to me.  I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of striking out on my own.  I've been in a state of limbo, waiting to see what comes next.  Oh yes, I've filled my time well, that much is true.  It is also true that I can drive myself nuts with my thoughts, and add to my insomnia (which I'm doing this evening, now morning).

So I came in to read, and to write, and to work this stuff out of my system.  And then I read the subtitle on my very own blog:   Wake Up! Life is transient, swiftly passing. Be aware the great matter. Don't waste time.

How long, after ending a marriage, does it take to stop living in a dream and wake up?  To stop wasting time wondering what if?  Get on with it, woman, I tell myself.  Get on with it.

****
Post Script, from Mountain Musings: "All animals except man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it."  Thank you, just what I needed to remember.

Familiar Things

Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful. - William Morris, Designer, 1834-1896.

So, this idea has been around for a long while. We think we've made up this concept lately, with our sustainable living ideas and our yearning to live more simply and with less clutter and 'stuff.'

As I've posted before, I have been living without my 'stuff' for 10 months, and I long to have my 'stuff' around me. I understand that the contents of my house are just things, but I do like my little treasures for the comfort they bring. I have a lot of artwork that I like to have around me; I have my favorite carpets and footstool; I possess some plates from England that have a blue and white "East Indies" design and I like them very much.

pretty plate o' mine

Being married three times has been a lesson in non-attachment to material things (and emotional attachments as well). In each marriage I gave up furniture and other items that I was very fond of. My first two marriages I gave up my Kitchen Aid mixer -- twice (gasp!). So, my sister bought me my third one and made sure I knew it was mine, so I would never have to be without it again. My new kitchen will be too small for said mixer, but perhaps I can talk dad into letting it live in his kitchen upstairs. It is a handy tool.

This time around I gave up some beautiful mission oak furniture for the living and dining rooms. It wouldn't fit in my new place anyway, I know that, but gosh it was gorgeous and gave me a lot of pleasure. Maybe again someday I can furnish my new place with similar designs, but for now I must let it go.

My parents, who have been married for 57 years, have furniture that they had when I was a tiny kid. Imagine. They are not folks who have redecorated on a regular basis. When something gets terribly worn, they replace it. But there has never been any wholesale redecorating. When I put my parents clothes into their dresser, it is the same one they have always had. There is a comforting feeling I get from sliding open such familiar drawers.

They also have kitchen items, bowls/pots and pans/glassware, they've always had. 40 years of using the same mixing bowl! The same soup pot! I don't know how it is in other countries, but here in the U.S. we tend to be a very throw-away culture. New things all the time. Retail as recreation.

But we're not all like that. Some of us actually hang onto our possessions, and our marriages. They stand the test of time.

I have no idea what that is like.

Real Life Tableau

It played out in front of my eyes today: a man punching a woman in the head and face, then puting a choke hold on her and forcing her into a pick up truck at a gas station.  Another witness, also in their car, pulled up along side the truck and asked if the woman needed help.  I pulled up as well.  The woman was sitting in the cab, yelling at the man, he was yelling back at her, and then finally he yelled at all of us to "Fuck off."

When he roared out of the gas station, I followed.  He was speeding along the road and a colorful bundle of cloth went flying out his window -- it looked like one of those bundles we tied when, as children, we fantasized about running away from home.  I kept up with him, pulling my cell phone from my bag and dialing 911.

He turned into yet another gas station and I sailed past and made a right hand turn at the corner.  Turns out, he made his move to evade me.  The gas station lot came out the other side onto the street I was now on.  By this time I'm talking with a Highway Patrol officer and as I slowly drive up the street, keeping a watch on the white truck, I spot the license plate number which I recite to him.  They are still yelling at each other, mad as hell, and she is turning and watching me drive past.  He then guns it out into the street, hangs a left and drives back the way he came.  I decide at this point I've done my best and I'm letting the professionals take over.  When the officer asks if I still have a visual on the truck, I say no.

Full of adrenaline, I continue my drive to the beach, which is where I was headed in the first place.  I've got one more day in Santa Cruz and I'm going to gaze upon the deep blue waters of the Monterey Bay.  Whew.  Now I really need that gazing.

A couple of hours later I received a follow-up call, as the CHP were trying to clarify what the license plate number was.  The one they looked up belongs to an older model RV.  So, either the guy switched out the plates, or my reading of it to the officer got lost in translation.  In any case, I am disappointed this nut job is now seemingly off the hook.

It appeared to be a domestic dispute rather than a stranger abduction, but who knows what the hell it was?  All I know was this guy was assaulting this woman with all the strength he could muster.  It was utterly frightening.  I can't help but wonder how this woman is today; is she safe?  I can't help but feel a murderous rage towards this guy.

I try to reassure myself that I did what I could to help.  It's of little comfort.

George Bailey Had It Right

Not much has changed since this movie was made in 1946.  The rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer.  The middle class which grew considerably following WWII in America, is slipping faster than a squirrel on a greased flagpole.

Halliburton is getting richer off of oil deals made with the Iraqis.  Yeah, those bastards are still profiting off of our incursions into the Middle East.  And in a widely suppressed news story, the US is sending war ships to the waters near Iran now.  Read about it.  Both Iran and the U.S. are in a pissing match.  I can't speak for the Iranian government, but the US government ought to be smarter than to take the Iranian bait.  The Iranian's are wagging their weenies and taunting the U.S.  Are we gonna be stupid enough to fall for it?  How many lives are worth it?  Not a one.

I don't know if it will do any good, but I will be writing to the President, my representatives, and local newspapers, to encourage our government not to get involved in yet another war for oil, which is what it really is.  If you can manage to write letters as well, maybe we will be heard.

Nothing to Say

What to do when you're trying to have a conversation and the response is, "I've got nothing to say."?  What am I supposed to do with that?  Does that mean it's too frightening to venture some response or does it mean 'we' are not worth any response?  Am I not trustworthy enough to hear what you have to say?  Have I shut you out a long time ago and you know it?  Or am I taking on something I don't own?  Is it all your fear?  I honestly don't know.

Human relationships can be so baffling. 

Jethro Tull:

"Nothing To Say"

Everyday there's someone asking
what is there to do?
Should I love or should I fight
is it all the same to you?
No I say I have the answer
proven to be true,
But if I were to share it with you,
you would stand to gain
and I to lose.
Oh I couldn't bear it
so I've got nothing to say.
Nothing to say.

Every morning pressure forming
all around my eyes.
Ceilings crash, the walls collapse,
broken by the lies
that your misfortune brought upon us
and I won't disguise them.
So don't ask me will I explain
I won't even begin to tell you why.
No, just because I have a name
well I've got nothing to say.
Nothing to say.

Climb a tower of freedom,
paint your own deceiving sign.
It's not my power
to criticize or to ask you to be blind
To your own pressing problem
and the hate you must unwind.
So ask of me no answer
there is none that I could give
you wouldn't find.
I went your way ten years ago
and I've got nothing to say.
Nothing to say.

"I Don't Want to Sound Like a Racist, But...."

Walking through Capitol Park the other day and I fell in step with an older gentleman who I had met before.  He's got his bench in the park where he loves to sit and pass the time.  He was proud to tell me he'll be 80 in November.  He's a talkative fellow, with a distinct British accent, and he has shared great stories with me.  As it turns out, he was on his way to Chavez Park to check out the status of Occupy Sacramento.  "Ah," I thought, "a fellow traveler.  A comrade.  Right on."

He shared that he feared our country was headed for civil war.  We commiserated about the concentration of wealth and the inequality in the U.S. We were nearing the traffic light on L street when he said, "I don't want to sound like a racist, but this is not the first time the Jews have done this."

Schreeeeeeeeechhhhhhh.

I was on my way to a film festival--I had somewhere to be.  His comment hit me upside the proverbial head.  I was, literally, speechless.  Gobsmacked, as the Brits love to say.

I still am.

Optimism

Borrowed, without permission, from Shine (see link on title).  Thank you, Shine, I needed to hear this.  I have been wondering just what in the hell I am doing with my life.  There are some pearls of wisdom here that helped me out;  I will mark them in bold type, in case you're interested.  I have omitted the article's links that read, for example, How to Have a Younger Looking Back.  Like me, I don't think you care.  Do you?

Not only is life hard, it can unexpectedly become harder. One day we might be comfortably cruising along, and then suddenly it seems like everything is going wrong: Your marriage is in a shambles, or you’ve just discovered that you’re not as financially stable as you thought, or you suddenly lose a lover, friend, or family member. The world has changed. Everything seems ominous and uncertain.

That’s when you can fall into the trap of pessimism and negativity. It may seem like the natural thing to do given what you’re going through. How can we work on building a healthy and optimistic way of living when we’re overcome with pain, anxiety, and fear? But no matter how hard things become, there are ways to approach your situation that can make it less burdensome.

Here are four ways to stay positive when life gets you down:
Express Gratitude. Be mindful about what you do have, whether it’s a fantastic friend or a wonderful partner. Try making a list of things you’re grateful for every night for two weeks. It can be even more powerful to express gratitude to someone who you feel truly thankful for. Write them a letter telling them how they have helped you. Additionally, try to cultivate a sense of gratitude in everyday life for things both major and minor. Thank that stranger who goes a little out of his way to hold the door open for you. Appreciating the good in the world can change the way you look at life.

Volunteer. Take your awareness outside of yourself and focus it on the well being of others. This may not be possible if you’re in crisis mode, but it can be very helpful if you’re increasingly preoccupied by your own negative thoughts. Many studies have shown that community service and philanthropy are more satisfying over the long term than focusing on your problems. Try volunteering at your local library, homeless shelter or hospital. You can become less focused on the bad stuff you’ve been dealing with—and even form a connection with others in the process.

Notice the Good. It might seem nearly impossible to find the silver lining in a burdensome situation, but it can be helpful. Maybe you’ve gone through some personal growth and change because of what’s happened, or you’ve become closer to someone.

Change Negative Self-Talk. It’s way too easy to think the same negative thoughts over and over again. However, you can learn to change this by doing some cognitive-behavioral therapy on yourself. When you notice yourself having a negative thought about yourself, replace it with a positive one. If you find yourself thinking “It’s all my fault” or “I’m not good enough,” stop and remind yourself of how well you’ve been coping and how others appreciate you.

The bottom line on becoming and remaining optimistic: We can’t change what happens to us or to loved ones, but we can change how we react to it. And though that process may take some time, it’s worth it because of the joy and peace of mind optimism can bring.

And, really, what other choice do we have?  I've got to 'work it' to stay positive and I want to stay positive because it just plain feels better.  I feel pretty self-indulgent even having doubts and worries.  This world has got much bigger fish to fry that little old me.  But I do get these doubts, and they trouble me, and there comes a point when I'm not busy, when I'm quiet, when it's late at night and I'm tucked into bed.  My eyes pop open and my heart starts to bang against my chest and I ask myself, "WTF?!"

How Long Have I Been Sleeping?

Driving home through the rain, this song came on the radio and spoke to me.  It's been many years since I've listened to it--and I don't know if I ever really heard what it was saying.
This time I did.
And it broke my heart.

Busy

Well, judging from my many facebook posts yesterday, I am busy.  Leaving today for 3 days in the mountains in Downieville, attending Lynn and Kathy's wedding.  I am probably scaring off my fb friends with my frequent posts.  How do I squeeze them in between all my activities?  Why do I squeeze them in?

But last night, I had my first ever Pastitsio in the oven -- a greek casarole with ziti, ground lamb, spices galore, topped with a bechamel sauce baked golden brown.  Dad was going to make it but he has been crazy busy and I  decided that the sou chef was going to take it all the way home.  It was high-pressure cooking; dad is an excellent cook and very exacting.  You better believe I read and re-read that recipe and measured all ingredients.  It turned out to be wonderful tasting.

Also, listening to some new Janis Ian, since I found her fan page on facebook.  My Gawd but she is awesomely pure and strong.  She looks great, too.  I'd like to be her friend.  Perhaps she would like some Pastitsio....

Yesterday I managed to get in all of mom's exercises: stretching and walking.  It takes time, and she's got to be motivated.  I've learned I cannot ask her if she wants to do the work, I have to announce that it is time to do the work.  Sometimes she fights me.  Yesterday she did not.  Caregiving is a 24/7 job, my friends.

Meanwhile...on the entertaining diversions front, facebook controversies rage on...we, who have been hooked, do not want to give it up, but we are wary of the Big Brother aspect of it all.  On the news tonight, the report was about how the changes allow facebook to target advertising very specifically.  Remember that movie with Tom Cruise, where he's walking through public corridors and giant screen projections are talking directly to him, marketing? Minority Report.  We're not far from the year 2054, when the movie takes place, and judging by the current electronic ubiquitousness, we, too, will soon be walking down public walkways with holograms trying to sell us products:  "Tara...we know you've been wanting that new laser treatment for age spots...we can fit in an appointment between your dental cleaning and your meeting with AARP on Tuesday, November 8.  Please confirm by saying, 'confirm.'"

Oy.  You just wait and see.  We think we're busy now.

Grief

When someone you know and love is going through terrible grief, what can you do to support them?  I want to take control (because I feel out of control) and get them 'through' it.  But everyone's journey is their own and must be experienced in their own way.  Nobody needs me telling them what to do.  


I do go hunting, however, for resources to give them.  Like Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart.  One of the best resources on the subject that I've ever read.  I go searching on Google to find articles on healthy ways to cope with grief.  I encourage my friend to keep it simple, take good care of themselves.  That they are loved and people are depending on them to stay healthy.  But I worry.  That's what I do.  I worry and I pray in my own way for their stability and peace.  I create as much peace for myself as I can.  Will this help them?  I don't know.  But it helps me.  


Grief is a journey,
often perilous and without clear direction,
that must be taken.
The experience of grieving cannot be
ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled,
pushed aside or ignored indefinitely.
It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love.
It may be postponed, but it will not be denied.

Molly Fumia

The Truth

The Light and the Dark

...will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.  It will drag you through the mud of your life and force your eyelids open so that dirty little particles will get in there and scrape and burn your eyeballs.

Then you will recover;  maybe some nice person will put soothing salve on your ravaged eyes, and you will dwell in comfort once more.  Until the damned truth comes knocking again and you, forgetting your ordeal, let the bastard through the threshold once more.

The truth is trying desperately to enlighten you; it does not give up easily.  It will keep its vigil outside your brick and mortar world and eventually you will have to come outside for some kind of sustenance.  It will grab you then.  It won't be denied.

Crazy Stuff

Waiting.  Waiting.  Living in a bubble of love while the world explodes (again).  I find myself questioning how I can cope with all the news in the world, and found this article (thanks, Google).

I sit in a hot tub, drinking hot peppermint tea, listening to soft music while the breeze blows across my skin.  For $20 dollars I can have this one-hour experience that is completely outside my normal reality.

A small scrap of time, yet not insignificant.  The peace I carried with me for many hours.

Humor also serves:  the Urban Dictionary is pretty hilarious.  And I laughed at the movie Horrible Bosses yesterday.  Funny.  Stupid.  Sheer escape.  Loved it.

Outside, the world rages and lives are lost.  All the while I am waiting for a new life to begin.

It's crazy stuff, isn't it?