Tara Dharma ... Out of the Lotus

And now, for your consideration

2009-11-06T12:39:00.001-08:00

I'm going to send you over to my new blog, wherein I display and hopefully sell some of my images. I've had one order so far!

My Washington Experience

2009-11-01T19:23:00.000-08:00

I am visually delighted by new vistas. During one day on Steamboat Island, we were treated to a variety of climates. M. and I walked the island at low tide, and still couldn't get all the way around. But I did get a lot of good photos. One photo I didn't take was the dead seal washed up, with its skull exposed while skin and hair was still present elsewhere. I thought I'd leave the beast in peace. The seagulls were having a feast.

Being at Steamboat for the weekend felt like being away for a week. A completely new environment and perspective. Yes!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-21T00:03:00.000-07:00

April is NOT the Cruelest Month

2009-10-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

October is Depression and Anxiety Awareness Month. Really? I received this email with diet tips for depression, which amount to eating a healthy, well-balanced diet. Duh. I thought bags of chips and vats of chocolate were the cure....silly me.

Can I get someone over here to plan, buy and cook nutritious food for me? I've run out of steam and the bag of chips is looking better than ever. I've been doing the bulk of the meal making since my retirement in June, and while I started with great enthusiasm, my efforts are largely unappreciated (I think). There's always left-over food that nobody eats...and I hate to throw out food. How many ways, how many times, can I come up with a good chicken recipe? I've got cook books, lots of 'em, and I browse the Internet...but shit. This is hard.

Most things feel hard right now. Nothing for it but to go forward. Take the dogs for a walk and air myself out. Try and stick to some kind of schedule. Read a book. Take photos of the autumn light.

Here comes our descent into winter, and I'm not starting out so hot. I don't need suggestions; I've been here before and I know the drill. Just not real thrilled about any of it. Whoop.

Autumn Leaves

2009-10-18T01:16:00.000-07:00

The falling leaves drift by my window
The falling leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sunburned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long

And soon I'll hear old winter's song

But I miss you most of all, my darling

When autumn leaves start to fall.

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall.

I miss you most of all, my darling

When autumn leaves start to fall

Johnny Mercer

Call Your Representatives in Congress!

2009-10-15T08:58:00.001-07:00

Jesus H. Christ in a bucket. The American people are being assaulted by health insurance companies, and now the latest WTF moment from Wall Street. Bonuses? Billions? We need regulation now. We need public financing of campaigns and an end to lobbying. Our country is being bought and sold to the highest bidders. I'm getting on the phone to my representatives today to insist they enact some regulations to reign in greed on Wall Street.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

National Coming Out Day

2009-10-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

My story. Coming out as a lesbian at age 33, with a 3 year old daughter, divorced from her father for 2 years. Coming out to myself was a life-long process, and the more clarity I got about my sexuality, the more memories came flooding in: the girlhood crushes, the make-out sessions that were never talked about or acknowledged afterward.

The most difficult conversation I had was coming out to my parents. They mattered most. I was already living with my girlfriend at the time, and the folks were coming to town for a visit. I couldn't have them in our house with this big secret - it just felt so wrong. I needed to call them, to tell them on the phone, give them the chance to absorb it all before their visit.

I barely slept the night before, sweaty palms, heart palpitations and the dread that they would forever reject me.

"Hi dad. Uh, could you get mom on the other line? I want to talk with you both." That's how it started. I used the word, "Gay" oddly enough. I guess "Lesbian" was just too shocking. I explained that L. and I were a couple, and I wanted them to know this before they came for their visit. My dad asked if this were the reason I'd left my husband. "No," I said, "I left him because he was an asshole!" Ah, laughter from everyone. Sweet, sweet laughter.

They assured me they loved me, and that this revelation didn't change that. They'd see me in a couple of days.

After that conversation I felt as i I could take on the world. My parents now knew, and they still loved me. This gave me the strength to tell anybody, anybody, and not give a damn if they didn't like it. I had the love and support of mom and dad, and that was everything.

Old Love, part Duex

2009-10-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I was married to someone who utterly betrayed my love and trust. For six years I lived with this woman and bound my life to hers – and brought my daughter along for the ride. No guilt there - not.

I wrote a poem about the relationship, called “Old Love.”

Well, this ‘old love’ is up to her old tricks, or never abandoned them, apparently. I have reestablished contact with a mutual friend, someone she adored (to hear her tell it), someone she went into business with after our breakup. A woman that I admire, she, too, was duped by my ex and her own dear friend. I feel a sense of guilt for not warning her about my ex – but then, perhaps, her behavior with me was an isolated incident, an outgrowth of our dysfunctional relationship. I didn’t want to poison the well, as it were. She now lived hundreds of miles away. They had been friends since childhood. What did I know? So I let it be.

I only recently told our mutual friend about the details of my ex’s misdeeds. It helped, I think, put the current troubles into perspective. We both feel utterly betrayed. When something like this happens, it makes you seriously question your ability to see reality. I know people are duped every day: widows bilked out of hundreds of thousands of dollars, companies in ruin because someone embezzled…. but still. This happened to me. Weird. I never talked much about it, mostly because I felt embarrassed about being so naïve and being so stupendously taken advantage of.

I haven’t begun to work on forgiveness here…. and the latest troubles are bringing it back like some nasty dream I thought I had given up long ago. Perhaps this is one reason for my current malaise….

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.”

Wally's World

2009-10-09T21:48:00.001-07:00

My singing class is lead by the marvelous Wally. You can see Wally's Swing World website here. If you go to the CD section you can sample songs - what a crooner! Okay, this is a blatant plug for the guy's music and his band. The guy's been doing this for 30+ years, and he is such a patient teacher! I think at the 30 year mark I'd be ready to kill every student who walks in the door. But not Wally; he always finds something positive to say about someone's performance. As I said in a previous post, singing is presenting me with quite a challenge. Not sure how this is going to all come out, so I'm just along for the ride. Yeah, sure, I enjoy singing like crazy. Not that I'm particularly original or accomplished -- just enjoy the act of it, and the collaboration of it. The next step may be taking guitar lessons again....waaaayyyyy rusty on the guitar. I would need a beginners class. Guitar for Dummies. Yeah, that's me.

Downplaying the Rape of a Child

2009-10-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

It seems Mr. Polanski is in more trouble for fleeing the country in 1977 than he was for drugging and raping a 13 year old child. What's wrong with this picture?

People are arguing that the crime took place a long time ago, that the victim has forgiven him. Neither of these speak to the point: the guy was able to plead down 6 felony counts to one single count of unlawful sexual contact. It wasn't sexual contact, it was a premeditated rape, using drugs and alcohol to incapacitate the child so he could perpetrate this crime upon her.

Polanski fled the country to avoid another 45 days of psychiatric evaluation. That's it. Considering the crime, he's lucky he got the light sentence he got. I'm relieved the Swiss now declare him a 'flight risk.' Of course he is: he's fled before.

I'm a fan on Polanski's directorial talents - he makes great movies. I can't get past the fact, though, that he raped a child. Pedophiles don't usually change - this is simply the truth. Are there other victims out there who just haven't come forward? Hopefully not, hopefully this man has not harmed another child, or woman.

I'm often surprised and disgusted by the light sentences meted out to rapists and pedophiles. Still. In this day and age. The judicial system as a whole still hasn't figured out what an act of violence rape and sexual molestation is, and what the long-term consequences are for the victims.

Given that Mr. Polanski flouted the law and fled in 1977, he should be made to return and account for himself now. I wish prominent artists and actors would stop defending him. This isn't about the rape, it's about his fleeing the court-ordered psych evaluation. Mr. Polanski doesn't deserve any one's support. He should 'man-up' and take responsibility for his actions.

My Daughter My Teacher

2009-10-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

My singing class is a wonderful challenge. It's hard work. My pipes haven't been used in thirty years. The throat is a muscle like any other: you need to work it in order to get it into shape. You also have to sing fearlessly. The more fearlessly you sing, the better you sound. Seriously. You have to really own it, as the kids say now. So, my daughter was helping me practice my song tonight, "Dream a Little Dream of Me." A deceptively difficult song. It sounds so sweet and melodic, but it changes key on you, and throws in a couple of really weird notes.

So, she helped me hit some of those notes. And she taught me the great lesson, above. I've always been impressed with her voice: she was in high school musicals, junior high talent shows, and she blew the audience away, consistently. She's a diminutive gal, a Nancy Reagan sized-woman. But this big voice comes out of her. In junior high she was belting out Nat King Cole with adult-like verve.

As I return to an early love, singing, I find a willing and able partner in my daughter. What a joy.

Fall is my favorite season

2009-10-02T20:33:00.001-07:00

photo by Tara

“October” by Robert Frost

(from A Boy’s Will, 1913)

O hushed October morning mild,
Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;
Tomorrow's wind, if it be wild,
Should waste them all.
The crows above the forest call;
Tomorrow they may form and go.
O hushed October morning mild,
Begin the hours of this day slow,
Make the day seem to us less brief.
Hearts not averse to being beguiled,
Beguile us in the way you know.
Release one leaf at break of day;
At noon release another leaf;
One from our trees, one far away.
Retard the sun with gentle mist;
Enchant the land with amethyst.
Slow, slow!
For the grapes' sake, if they were all,
Whose leaves already are burnt with frost,
Whose clustered fruit must else be lost—
For the grapes' sake along the wall.

2009-09-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

Tower Bridge, Sacramento, CA, outside our hotel.

After a couple of days in Napa, I'm now in Sacramento for a couple of days. Getting out of Dodge and traveling around has been a real boost to my spirits. Just being in a new place, with new visuals and new faces, is refreshing. The only downside is eating out most of the time - you are at the mercy of strangers and untested food. But tonight, a home-cooked meal at my sister's house. Yes!

This morning, while sitting next to the river, a steam train went by, stopped quite near, blew its whistles and let off steam. It was exhilarating. It's the age-old lure of travel, and I could get the bug real easy. I have a niece who spent a summer in Yellowstone, working for the park service. Now there's an idea....

Again, So Funny I Could....

2009-09-24T08:15:00.001-07:00

Death Panels Are Real (Part 2) from Jon Daly

So Funny I could Die!

2009-09-22T08:53:00.001-07:00

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

My Past Life

2009-09-21T16:49:00.001-07:00

image from the Campus Review

Speaking of the university...Robin reminded me today that school is starting now, and I'm not there! Yipee! The first time in 22 years I have not been there for opening days. I didn't even realize, until Robin mentioned it.

My memories of the place are compounded by the fact that I was a student there, graduating in 1985 with a B.A. in Fine Art. I had my own hassles, then, with the 'administration' of the place and just getting through the program. Little did I know, six years later, that getting a job in the student activities office would set a 22 year roller coaster in motion. My daughter was born and raised during that time - I found out when I was hired that I was pregnant. It was also my 30th birthday that first month of work. That's a lot of big change all at once.

I have many wonderful connections from that time - Robin being the best. I've also witnessed a lot of distressing actions by people that I trusted, I and lost that trust pretty damn fast. It was like a soap opera - the budget cuts (I lived through many of them), the power plays, the building of fiefdoms, the stellar students who I worked with, and the lousy dirty student politicos that I had run up against in the administration of my job. I've been thoroughly grounded up and spit out. I didn't learn to play the game very well -- I kept expecting people to be fair, and to come from an ethical, honest place. Oh, what clueless woman I can be. The ethos that the university markets to prospective students is just a dream...and if they can benefit from it and make it through, more power to them. But for me, well, it will take a long time to 'get over' many of my experiences there.

I stayed so long largely because of the excellent medical benefits for my daughter and me. And I found ways to make my work there meaningful, despite the crazy machine of the administration. I've walked away with a modest pension, and my sanity largely intact. I just feel so lucky that I am not there now...a new school year begins, without me. Hallelujah.

Last Night's Dream

2009-09-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

N. and I were clearing out our ramshackle abode, getting ready to set it ablaze. I was obsessed with removing all my med bottles with my name on them, so I couldn’t be identified. How a melted plastic RX bottle might survive the flames, I’ll never know. It was a hasty affair, and before I was completely ready, N. lit a bag on fire and dropped it onto the bedroom floor. Whoosh! The place went up quickly, with barely enough time to get out unscathed.

It burnt to the ground, and when it fell, I could see that it was attached to an old barn, which does indeed sit at the entrance to the university where I worked for 22 years.

Our temporary new home was just a block away, so we went there and tried to pretend everything was normal. We could hear the sirens, and see fire trucks and the caption’s car cruise by. Later, I saw them standing around sifting through the debris. I was terrified they were going to find something that would identify us as the arsonists, and we would spend the rest of our lives in jail. Then again, maybe jail wasn’t such a very bad thing: free food, lodging, and plenty of time to navel gaze.

Maybe they wouldn’t discover our identity, and we’d get off, free as birds. How would it feel to live the rest of my life with this terrible secret of the crime I had committed? Would it be liberating or a heavy burden?

Small World Moment

2009-09-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

I went with my daughter today to order her wedding dress. It's a beautiful dress, and this photo does not do it justice. Cell phone camera strikes again. The owner of the shop is a delightful woman, a self-proclaimed full blooded Italian. So we got to talking Italian food - which my daughter's paternal grandmother (also full blooded Italian) taught me how to cook. I tell her about my tomato sauce I make with my home-rown toms and basil, and she wants to know how I have time for a.) a veg garden and b.) such glorious home-cooking. I tell her I retired from the U., and, as always, she tells me she knows U. employees and do I know Linda and Scott? Well, sure I do - I used to have my 10 a.m. coffee break with Scott - Scooter - every work day. She is ecstatic - Scott's wife went all through grade school with her, and now is a fellow member of her Catholic church. She asks for my phone number so she can call and consult on the making of the fresh marinara sauce.

So, yes, it's a small world. Now perhaps I can get a discount on a mother-of-the-bride dress. That's a whole 'nuther topic. Ugh.

Idle Hands

2009-09-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

Calling all newly retired persons....I'm bored out of my mind. Sure, I can think of lots of things to do. But actually do them? I've lost my mojo. I'm reduced to endless hours surfing the internet, watching inane movies, grocery shopping, meal prep, filling the holes in the lawn that the dogs keep digging. I asked for this. I know all the things I could do: take a class (I am), volunteer, go visit friends, read a good book (must get to library).

It's a phase, I know. I'll work my way out of it. I know. Just indulge me for today. Thank you.

You Say Tomato

2009-09-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

See those tomatoes behind me? They are on their last legs. They've been good.

A couple of days ago our neighbor Tom brought over tomatoes from his garden, and I couldn't refuse. They were many, and varied. When I asked what kinds they were, he just waved his hand and said he couldn't remember. So, what was I going to do with this bumper crop? I browsed a couple of cookbooks, and decided I would grill them after I finished the steaks on the bbq. After blackening their skins, I pureed them and sauteed them with home grown basil, and turned them into one of the nicest sauces I've ever had. I added some red wine, garlic and a touch of sugar (takes the tart edge off) and made a lasagne with italian sausage.

So, Tom, I'm ready for more! Food: it's a wonderous and good thing.

Deal With the Crazy

2009-09-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Could not have said it better myself. Although I must say, I'm just exhausted by the crazies....

Deal With the Crazy

Songs, Songs, and More Songs

2009-09-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

I went to the public library today to browse and copy sheet

music in their collection. No matter, I was going for the oldies:

Porter, Gershwin, Kahn. My voice class as got me going,

and my head is filled with song. I'm considering taking on

wide-ranging pieces from "Don't Fence Me In" and "Dream A Little

Dream," to "Old Devil Moon" and "They Can't Take That

Away from Me." How's that for ambitious?

It feels great, like getting back on a horse after too many

years away. I remember, now, how much I enjoyed the long

hours of practice, and the performing with musicians.

I'll leave you with a beautiful song by Cole Porter, just click on

his name.

Feel Better Soon

2009-09-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

How's this for a Get Well card? I'm having fun playing with my old family photos and trying to turn them into humorous cards. The look on my great-uncle's face is priceless.

Ruth St. Denis and Ted Shawn

2009-09-05T15:55:00.001-07:00

I'm finding the most interesting things while researching my great aunt, who was a photographer. I found this photo of two pioneers of modern dance in her collection at the NY Library for the Performing Arts.

Ruth St. Denis and Ted Shawn i... Digital ID: DEN_1375V

I can buy, framed, for $145. Some guy on e-Bay is offering original Lou Goodale Bigelow prints for $2,300. Go figure.

Inspiration

2009-09-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't been inspired to blog about anything much lately - until today. Something extraordinary happened, and it was my dad who did it.

My parents have had about 15 years to adjust to the fact that I am a lesbian. They did not take it well, which is not unexpected in this world. I learned to go on with my visits, and not be explicit about my life with my female partners -- to say something obvious and truthful often would shut down the conversation. Fast.

My first partner and I had a commitment ceremony which my folks chose not to attend. It was actually kind of a relief. But they never acknowledged it in any way, even after I sent them a phot0 with my partner and I in our wedding attire. Okay. I get it. But...ouch.

Fast forward after the breakup of that relationship. I've been with Nickie for 9 years (this month!). We were first married in San Francisco when that crazy mayor Gavin Newsom decided to say "FU" to the state, and allow same-sex couples to be married for a brief period. Married. In the county of San Francisco. Then, again, Nickie and I were legally married by the State of California last October when, once again, we were 'allowed' to wed.

It took awhile for my parents to warm up to N. - long weird story shall be omitted - but now, wow, she can do no wrong. They adore her. We are mystified as to this turnaround - but delighted nevertheless.

Today, dad copied my sisters and me on an e-mail he sent to a group of second cousins, who have been in touch as a result of my blog Tilley's Place; archived photos of my family, largely taken by our Great Aunt LG Bigelow. In the e-mail he was updating family (including LDS members) on his daughters' status. Wait for it....

Erin (married to Mark), Tara (married to Nicole), Shannon (married to Blane). Whhhuuuu....? I was on the phone to Shannon - she had marveled at it as well.

Well I'll be darned. Really. My dad has come out of his closet. What a day.